The
Locust
One
of the earliest nukes took place in a band-house in the late
1980’s. Several of the (young and naïve) brothers
had decided that it would be more financially prudent to become
roommates so that they could focus on playing music and having
fun rather than having to work for their money.
For
the first few weeks everything was coming along fine. Russ
sported a full head of curly Peter Frampton-like hair, a full
mustache and beard and he and his roommates prospered together
and peace reigned throughout the land. What they didn’t
realize was that a dark green cloud ominously loomed on the
horizon.
Fate
soon had its day when one of the more observant brothers happened
to come across a giant green locust in the front yard. The
fast-thinking brother quickly trapped the hefty green beast
and deposited it into Russ’s room and shut the door.
While
the brother admits to enjoying a few giggles just because
this particular grasshopper was HUGE, he really didn’t
expect Russ to freak out too bad. After all, it was only a
grasshopper…
That
night the brothers and other participants waited with excited
anticipation as Russ came home from work, consumed his usual
12 gallons of beer and went to his room to drift into his
usual alcohol induced coma.
For
several hours that night the members of the household and
several interested observers waited for a reaction from Russ.
Alas, it was to no avail… In the early morning hours
everyone went to their room disappointed because apparently
the grasshopper nuke had failed miserably.
Life
continued as it does for everyone in the band house. Music,
girls, fun and Russ… In that kind of atmosphere memories
are short and giant locusts are soon forgotten.
Several
days later with the mammoth insect all but forgotten, Russ
came home from work. He was irritable, hot and tired from
painting houses all day. Following his usual pattern, Russ
consumed enormous amounts of beer and around midnight stumbled
into his room and passed out.
All
was quiet in the house in the early morning hours of the next
morning. That peaceful bliss was soon shattered however, by
a high-pitched shriek and girl-like screams emanating from
the Russ bedroom.
As
the shocked inhabitants of the house came out of their rooms
to investigate the shrill cries of terror, they witnessed
Russ running out of his room in his underwear in an angry,
foul state of temperament. They were even more perplexed when
they heard the Russ vehicle start up and drive away.
After
some initial discussion, they decided that Russ probably had
some physical issue such as hemorrhoids or irritable bowel
syndrome. With that settled everyone went back to sleep for
awhile.
Later
that day everyone was extremely shocked and dismayed when
Russ’s dad showed up with a truck and announced that
Russ was moving out. The father of Russ then announced that
he was there to get the Russ bed and belongings!
In
stunned confusion the always honorable brothers helped the
Russ father load his despicable son’s belongings and
watched helplessly as he drove away. Later that night a dark
cloud of sadness hung over the entire dwelling. It was decided
that the next day they would attempt to talk some sense into
the very stupid, back-stabbing Russ.
The
next morning, these stalwart ambassadors of peace drove over
to Russ’s parent’s house and confronted the deviously
selfish Russ about his recent actions.
A
hushed silence fell over the group as Russ explained what
had happened that fateful morning. According to Russ, he was
blissfully sleeping off his alcohol induced coma when he heard
a loud clicking noise followed by what sounded like a small
winged beast taking flight. Not yet alarmed enough to open
his red, bulging eyes Russ lay still in his bed.
The
locust had been foraging for food for days and coming up empty
in the Russ room. Out of desperation the resilient beast decided
to risk its life for a meal. The only thing remotely resembling
grass was that bushy growth on the human’s face. In
the last few days the vengeful bug had come to hate this human.
It smelled bad and was very noisy when it slept. However,
the bug was desperate and if it did not feed it would surely
perish. It waited until the early morning when the human would
least expect its attack. With a powerful leap the locust sprang
toward the human and it’s hideous face…
Russ
heard the strange sound coming toward him and even attempted
to open his bleary, alcohol soaked eyeballs but with a hefty
“THWOCK” the hungry green beast landed on his
face, gripped his beard with all of the strength it had left
and began to gratefully feast upon the Russ beard. The initial
reaction of the Russ brain to this event was to question whether
he was dreaming or was this reality? Within seconds however,
it became clear that some type of thing had attached itself
to his facial area and from the sound of it was eating some
part of his face or beard.
Russ
frantically fought the ravenous locust and with a mighty heave
yanked it from his beard. As it dawned on Russ what had just
occurred, he started to shriek like a small girl. At that
moment he decided he was going to move out.
The
room was quiet and still as Russ finished his account of the
battle. The brothers looked at one another, shook their heads
and laughed all the way out of the front door. Russ did indeed
move out and it was all because of a green locust.
