Various Strategies

Definition of Strategy: the science or art of combining and employing the means of war in planning.

Many people assume that irritating or nuking Russ is easy. That is not the case. In fact, most of the truly effective nukings and irritations take intense planning and flawless execution. Even well-thought out plans that seem simple to execute sometimes fail due to alert neighbors, alarmed Russ tribe members or simply bad timing.

Fortunately, those are the exception to the rule. The strategies listed below were resoundingly successful and remember… these irritations really took place!

The Hosing

Back in the days of Russ’s youth and vigor, he lived with several of his humble and noble brothers. Together they forged a lasting friendship and lived peacefully amongst themselves. However, after a time Russ began to get spoiled. He started to whine and snivel about small trivial issues and soon the brothers took notice.

One day when the ultra-sniveling Russ was at work, the brothers decided to remind him that the world did not revolve around his knobby, bald little head. During a closed door meeting among the inhabitants of the house one of the brothers valiantly volunteered to perform the dangerous mission they decided upon. The somber group then closed the meeting and waited patiently until the following morning.

The determined hero got up at the crack of dawn and prepared for his mission. Knowing that he would have to escape quickly to avoid a murderous Russ, he carefully dressed for a long jog and put on his best running shoes. He then crept stealthily out the front door and around the house.

One of the wonderful attributes of this particular house was that garden hose was located directly underneath the Russ bedroom window. Another wonderful development was that Russ liked to sleep with the window cracked open to allow the usual stench of his work clothes and bedding to dissipate.

Seizing upon these elements, the crafty brother visually confirmed that Russ was sleeping blissfully in his room. The mighty warrior then silently inched the hose into the crack in the window. Silently the brother gripped the water spigot and quickly turned it to full blast!

Witnesses say that there was a mighty shriek that emanated from the Russ room that morning. Russ claims that he awoke to a hose wildly spewing all directions in his room. After several diving attempts, he finally managed to wrestle the hose down and stuff it back it the now dripping window. Enraged by these developments, Russ then ran out of his wet room and around the side of his house to see who had perpetrated this event.

Arriving at his window, Russ spotted the heroic brother rolling with laughter about 2 blocks down the street. Without realizing he was only clad in wet jockey shorts, Russ ran screaming foul obscenities and generally waking the entire neighborhood with his angry reaction.

The fast, cheetah-like brother was able to easily outrun the slow, hungover Russ. Seeing his inevitable defeat Russ then turned around and walked back through the crowds of angry neighbors now milling around the street. The neighbors were horrified at the sight of the wet, disheveled and mostly naked Russ. Later that day, the heroic brother returned to the house to great praise and admiration from the rest of the inhabitants.

Due to this incident Russ did cease his sniveling for a few days.

A Stabbing

Several weeks after the successful hosing, Russ had failed to cease his constant whining and sniveling. Pushed to drastic action, the ever-resourceful brothers devised a new plan to remind Russ that he was not the center of the universe.

The brothers had most fortuitously come across two flat blade swords that were bestowed upon them by admiring fans. While discussing the recent boorish behavior that Russ had been selfishly forcing on the inhabitants of the house it was suggested that a stabbing was in order. The brothers heartily agreed, but on the other hand they did not want to kill their Russ, only teach him a much-needed lesson.

After a plan was decided upon, two heroic brothers stepped forward to risk life and limb. Since it is common knowledge that Russes are always slow and sluggish in the early morning it was decided that they would attack at the crack of dawn.

The brothers spent several hours that night sharpening the points of their swords and discussing the intricate details of their plan.

Early the next morning, both courageous brothers were fully dressed and in their running shoes. They snuck up the hallway and each laid down on the floor in front of the Russ bedroom door. The wise brothers knew that it was Russ’s pattern of behavior to get up from his usually alcohol-induced slumber and immediately go to the bathroom across the hall. So they lay in wait.

Just a few minutes later the Russ alarm clock went off. The brothers observed through the crack under his door as the raspy Russ feet hit the ground and started to approach the door. As those stinky, disgusting feet approached the door both brothers shoved their swords into the crack under the door. There was a fleshy thump as one of the swords found toe and foot bone.

Suddenly there arose a great howl of pain and rage from the Russ bedroom. The brothers quickly jumped to their feet and ran outside and down the block. Within seconds a limping, mostly naked Russ was angrily giving chase. It quickly became apparent though that he was limping and not really physically able to catch up with the speedy, resourceful brothers.

Once again, Russ navigated through the crowd of distressed and disgusted neighbors, went home and tended to his bleeding toe.

The two heroic brothers waited until Russ had calmed down and stopped bleeding before they returned. After his initial rage had dissipated, the brothers were able to enlighten Russ to see that the stabbing was caused by his whining and sniveling.

This time Russ stopped his complaining for almost a week!